In reading the courageous stories of other women during Maternal Mental Health Week, I wanted to share my own...
I had an empowering, supported birth at home with Ula. I had the support of an incredible Doula, @MarieGroucott who held that space with the wisdom, tenderness & lioness power that enabled me to truly get into total flow. She arrived as the sun came up as we listened to Nick Drake.
The next 6 weeks however saw my tiny baby, not being able to stay awake to feed, her weight dropping & she couldn’t shake jaundice. She wasn’t eating. She didn’t have the energy to suck and stay awake. Marie came round for the health visitors 1st visit who remarked “Yeah she is pretty scrawny isn’t she”. I crumbled, overpowered by these words that had been said so nonchalantly (in writing this her words still floor me). Marie, swiftly escorted her out.
My practical, calm, 4 babies under her belt, sister came over & sat with me, crying, naked as I fed Ula. She was everything I needed her to be. “you need nipple shells” 3 clicks on her phone “they’re ordered, they’ll be here tomorrow, Ill be here tomorrow to talk you through using them” Women wrapping around women. Grounded. Steady. Able to see when another woman needs holding in the way they’re cradling their own babies. It’s extraordinary…
I was a milking machine. Sleepless, hardened, getting skinnier by the day.
I’d take Ula out & strangers would ask “she’s so small, how early was she?” she was on time. I’d shuffle, tearfully away. Was there something wrong with her? With me? I visited our hospital breastfeeding clinic every other day…I became obsessed with getting this right. They were so kind as they made me tea, showing me different ways to hold my little, yellow Ula, so she could latch to my tiny, raw boobs. I would sit in silence praying that I would figure out how to make my baby grow.
They discharged us at 7 weeks as her weight finally creeped up. Me & Olly wept in the midwife’s office. It took time to have confidence in myself as a mother after that. I obsessed over doing things right. Obsession leaves little room to connect to anyone else apart from baby, so I grieved connection to others & to myself.
It took a long time, with support and guidance to gather up those pieces new and old of myself, to see and feel myself as a whole, an evolved Me again - deeply connected to her, whilst feeling beautifully separate to her. However long it took, it did finally happen and being Ula's mum is the most incredible journey I continue to walk.
As women and mothers, our stories are shared time and time again. And it’s important to share them. In those moments where we feel alone, lost, helpless as a mother, to have other women gather you up, hold your face, look into your eyes and assure you that you are not…assure you that this too shall pass and that you have more strength, love and wisdom pulsing through every cell of your being than you can ever fathom. That same energy connects you to every woman around you, before you and ahead of you.