During this time of lockdown, the introvert in me has taken a huge exhale.
For a long time I ignored this part of myself. I lived my life loudly, boldly, compensatory. In my twenties I fought it…”I couldn’t (didn’t want to be seen as) be an introvert, I love people, dancing, music, free spirit living too much!”
But there was no denying it. Rewind to my childhood where making stories, spending hours colouring, creating, reflecting, being deep within my imagination. I was always being drawn to the loud, extroverted characters to be friends. They excited me, felt risky, other worldly. They had something that I wanted so badly. But, quickly would feel overwhelmed by their “them-ness”, and found myself retreating back into myself more than ever in their company rather than bringing me out, and I would find these friendships sometimes exhausting.
As I moved into my 30’s I could see how it really was and tenderly welcomed in my introversion. Although the resistance to completely embrace her still comes and goes. But life in its all became less tiring, more balanced for sure…
After social gatherings, or busy working weeks I need to settle into myself, daydream, be in my own space in time. But, in the lead up to March, I was once again not striking the balance.
I had, before lockdown, been working, zipping around again, running towards goals, giving away my reserves with little re-resourcing. I was once again running headfirst through life and I was exhausted (but didn’t realise).
When faced with no choice but to settle in, be home, be with my daughter, be without “time-filler” options, be without schedule, while I saw many of my loved ones panic…my internal introvert sighed the greatest sigh of relief and it has continued until now.
Now as the world begins to reopen its doors. We begin to gather. Adjust once more to others. Interaction. Conversation…I have felt the opposite of relief = much resistance and anxiety.
I cannot return to how it was. But how it should be…well this new vision needs time now to be watered and fed.
The part of myself who craves quiet, study, less eye contact (this is an interesting one…I hadn’t noticed that when I am running out of my external connection fuel, I begin to look away more and more), reflection, pottering around the house.
This part of myself is SO dominant in character, more than I had ever known, and I have for so long ignored it to my detriment.
But yet, I have a job that I love, where I work and connect with many people each day. This connection is deeply human, energising, compassionate. I continue to learn my boundaries, to balance the giving with receiving of energy between others, but what I have benefited massively from online working, was that it has given me windows of time I hadn’t had before. Time to recharge. Settle. Be quiet.
How I will work after lockdown is still taking shape. But what I do know for sure, is that my introvert must be supported, prioritised and acknowledged. She brings me my clarity, my desire to deeply listen and understand myself, others and our interconnected world. She makes me authentically, quietly courageous. When I give her space and nourishment, she enables me to facilitate the deepest connection and transformation for my coaching and yoga therapy clients.
So watch this space as I reform what I do into something that honours both you and me. If this has resonated with any of my fellow introverts, share with me your experience of how you have found lockdown and how you are caring for yourself as you reintegrate back into a new post-lockdown way of life, in the comments below.