What a ten days it has been on a national, global scale? For women and non-binary folk, most prominently those with black and brown skin. Heart breaking. Overhwhelming. Exhausting. Angering.
Behind the scenes I have spent a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms, waiting for answers, wanting to run for the hills to grow my baby in peace. All is well with me and babe, but that tiredness stuck to me after.
Craving silence. Craving nothing to be required of me. So this morning I moved my body until it felt freer, like mine again and then for 30 minutes I simply sat facing the sunrise at my window and breathed.
I filled myself up with that in breath like a fresh glass of water and let the breath blow silkily from my lips. The tears came. I knew they would. I hoped they would. Relief came and these words followed…
This morning I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
My skin tingled with light and aliveness
I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
The clarity that swept through me was fresh and unguarded
I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
Tears fell for the simple moment that was
For a moment, just stillness, release
Tears streamed for the week that has just been
For thousands of years of injustice and pain. More women’s lives lost. Some being told and found. Some not. Because they don’t fit the quota of the acceptable victim. White. Young. Not drunk. Wearing something that men have agreed won’t have tempted them if the opportunity arose.
I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
The hand around my neck in the street by someone I loved because I walked away from them in an argument
I remember that moment now
All part of growing up they said. Young love an’ all
This morning I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
Being laughed and shouted up in my face so I could smell their breath “cheer up you cunt” because I didn’t smile at them back. And in that moment I wish I had. “Just entertain them to keep yourself safe” they say
This morning I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
Being told at 15 by a 30 year old that I won’t appreciate it until I’m older that right now my body is the most attractive it’ll ever be, “don’t let it go to waste” he said combining a “wise” tone and a wink
He thinks my body is attractive, that makes me feel special and wanted….”note to 15 year old self…don’t let body change, stay wanted by other men, let yourself go and you’ll be letting yourself down”
This morning I bathed myself in breath until the tears came
The greatest permission to release the anger and sadness I feel towards the privileged fearful man who’s trying to remove the rights of women’s voices
I’m happy they feel scared of us now. I’m scared that they might still win.
I bathe myself in breath till the tears came
First in silence and then in sobs
The anger that my sisters and non-binary friends with black and brown skin have and will continue to lose more, be in more danger than they already are in, way more than my privileged self if they sign off a bill that will silence voices that must, simply must be heard if anything is ever to change.
That will put more men on the streets, who will be violent. That inherently don’t understand and chose not listen, who feel power, grasp it and do their worst to keep it.
These are the men with the batons and the shields and the weapons and the iPhones taking pictures of dead women’s bodies for pleasure
This morning, I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
The immense gratitude I have that I, my privileged body feels safe enough to release these tears today
I bathed myself in breath until the tears came
For the love + fear I feel for my daughter and this little life growing inside of me
The tears fall for the birth I so wish for and the experience of birth I wish to share with my daughter
The tears fall for this birth that might not be and the birth that may be instead
I bathed myself in breath and the tears came
My body’s light meeting the sunrise.
The light not drying my tears or soothing the anger but allowing them to exist amongst the light, amongst my daughter’s smiles, amongst the birdsong.
Opposing energies existing more together
I bathed myself in breath and the tears came, the words came, the day began